Journey to Happiness

By Faye Kitariev

“Live by your inner knowledge and strength,” read the tag on my Yogi Tea. How appropriate! Today I moved up the Blueprint pyramid to my next i’MAGiNT ™: I’m Happiness i Long For. Of course, I remember very well why I chose this i’MAGiNT™ several weeks ago, in the first place! I wanted more happiness, more love, more joy in my life, most importantly, I wanted somebody else to be the catalyst for it!

As I took a sip out of my i’MAGiNTended™ water bottle, I swallowed another round of tears. It seems, as if all the unhappiness harbored within my soul came to the surface, triggered by “relationship” issue, or lack of one. This time, however, it is different. This time, I am perfectly aware! Aware that “relationship” has nothing to do with the part of me that is feeling “unhappy.” The “unhappy” Aspect has been very patient with me! Patient, waiting for me to grow up, to mature and be ready to really look at it. I feel as if this Aspect has been intergenerational. I could see my mother, my grandmother and beyond doing precisely the same things I’ve been doing to numb the voice of this Aspect and make it go away for a short while. 

I opened my special journal. Okay, I am ready. "I know, YOU wanted me to choose this i’MAGiNT™ so that I would finally heal, and grant myself the freedom to be happy, independent of what somebody else thinks, does, does not, says or says not. You also wanted me to grant them the same Freedom too!" I said out loud. How often do we hold "them" accountable for our unhappiness? If only "they" would do (fill in the blank), then I will be happy! How dare "they" are!!! It’s so easy, but no, "they" refuse to sing along. You want to ask them: Why? Simple. IT IS NOT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY! It’s time to really learn the tools of healing yourself, or if you have the tools, use them! Yes, even with tools, it’s easier to have chocolate, sleep, drink wine, smoke, eat and eat and eat, watch TV, sit on social media, play video games, get into another relationship, then another one, then another one, escape to an island, gossip and blame, jump off the airplane… But let’s face it! No matter where you will go, what you will do, who you will go with this Unhappiness Aspect will just tag along. It got its tight grip on you, and it doesn’t want you to let go. It wants to control you, and it wants to live and thrive! However, when you choose to become Happiness you Long For, there is no room for both aspects!

So, I invited Unhappiness for a conversation. Surprised, it agreed. We never talked before. I was always under its spell, doing what it commanded me to do to feel better. It threatened me if I don’t do what it wants, I will forever be unhappy and alone. It turned out that Unhappiness wasn’t so big, hurtful and scary after all. It was a little child throwing temper tantrums, scared to be left alone, to be unloved, unprotected, needing the proof and reassurance that it won’t happen. A self-centered child, unable to see a bigger picture, unable to see that it really was surrounded by Love, Support, Warmth, and Care. This child could only see one thing: the toy it couldn't have!
I took an altitude and saw a bigger picture, forgiving myself for not trusting, not seeing, being afraid, judging, clinging, needing, controlling….

I really do choose to step in, be, see and experience: I’m Happiness i Long For, after all. I can embrace what Buddha meant:

"Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think."